The Risk of Living Your Truth
What might you experience when you begin living your truth, especially when it’s contrary to how others are used to seeing you? I’d like to share my experience thus far.
Hola amigos,
As I sit here in my new, uncommon existence I find a myriad of responses and reactions to how I have chosen to be in the world. This has me contemplating the risks of going against the grain of how society says we must live. Of course I decided to share these musings with you and offer up the start of a potentially rich discussion.
Stepping into a life less ordinary there will likely be pulls trying to bring you back to the norm, guilt put upon you for leaving others behind, expectations to stay connected, the projections of fear from those who love you, jealousy, pressure from people living vicariously, etc… These are only the first that roll off the top of my head.
Any and all of these can feel like a lot all at once, let me tell ya! So, how does one find the courage, commitment, and determination to push through all that could potentially deter you? My first thoughts are that it quickly boils down to what is important enough, and true enough, for you to take on these risks. Of course projections and backlash will be on top of whatever other risks are inherent to that which you seek. It’s imperative to consider how hard you are willing to work to build a skill set to mitigate all challenges that come with moving towards your preferred future.
Below I describe a four step process that I have adopted to keep me on track.
Let’s look at step one… discovering what is worth the risk. Thinking back to your teenage/ early adult years can you identify ways that you pushed your parents or caregivers to precipice of their sanity in order to go to a party, a concert, on vacation with a friend & their family, or something of the like? At the time these things felt extremely important. You were exerting your independence and wanting to be given leeway. As adults hopefully we are able to come up with more worthy goals to fight for however this time you don’t need permission to get, or do, what you want! Still, more times than not we look for some level of support or consent before making big changes or decisions about our lives. If we don’t get this confirmation or support we might put those huge things on the back burner and remain securely packed into the convenient little box that keeps everything in balance. In the long run you will be the one to suffer greatly.
So, what is worth the risk? What dream, life aspiration or truth about yourself have you kept in the dark to avoid rocking the boat? What do you talk yourself out of saying it’s ‘crazy’, ’too much’, or ‘unattainable’, etc? Consider what you find your values to be. For example, for me living a more relaxed life where I could free up more time to create community, have a lower financial overhead in order to travel and experience adventure, and to walk with a minimal footprint were all things that have been trending in my life for some time. Then there was the crazy dream about casting off dock lines and sailing indefinitely. All things I am pretty passionate about AND I often felt were at odds with the very society I was surrounded by. Trying to fit comfortably as a super square peg in the mainstream round hole took some effort. But, my values and life philosophies kept rising to the top keeping me afloat and drifting towards my dream.
What about you??? In the recent Wellness Wheel discussions provided via newsletter you were offered up an opportunity to explore your own values in each category. (If you’d like a refresher on the topics you can find them all on WayFinder Wisdom’s blog - https://www.wayfinderwisdom.com/musings) What did you find? Or, how about someone you know or follow on social media who has a way of being in the world that has you feeling inspired? This inspirational being shows you something you would like to emulate, something that putting your own spin to it would have it fit you more accurately and get you to a more resonate way of life. This process can take some time to feel into so don’t be discouraged if nothing pops up right away. Keep the in the back of your mind and be on the look out for such energizing role models. Once you find him/ her or them, step 2 come into play.
Step two… embrace your birthright to have a full life! Okay, I imagine that this concept has many of you reeling. We are taught that only those who jump through the hoops and perform as society tells us deserves to be prosperous and ‘retire’ at a decent age to live out the remaining years enjoying the fruits of our labors. Well, what if I said that it doesn’t necessarily have to happen in that order? Can you let go of the belief that you have to do great, heroic acts of productivity to earn a life that aligns with your values & fills your soul with purpose and joy?
Step three… make a commitment to yourself, and only yourself, to live in full embodiment of that which is most important to you. We often are found making commitments to others thinking that prioritizing ourselves is ’selfish’ & that being selfish is a ‘bad’ thing. That deep rooted negative connotation to the word selfish is difficult to dodge so how about we use a different word? What about the word self-attending?
Let’s take a look at all three ’self’ words for a minute and really consider what they mean. First we have the word selfish. A common definition will say that this is when one is completely focused on their own pleasure and profit without consideration for others. This last part, without consideration for others, is key. Here it’s not saying you can’t focus on your own profit or pleasure but only to be considerate of how it might affect others, yeah?
Then there is ’selfless’. Selfless is said to be when one puts the needs of all others before the needs of their own. Now, if done all the time this isn’t too sustainable is it? It’s the opposite extreme of selfish. When we are so ’selfless’ we run the risk of giving to our own detriment.
Right in the middle is ’self-attending’. To be self-attending is actually a gift to those around us as it keeps them from having step in often to take care of us when we fail to care for ourselves. It also takes any sense of martyrdom right out of the equation. If we commit to not suffering then we never have that card to pull when we are feeling feisty and maybe a little manipulative. (We’ve all been there so embrace it, laugh it off and move on.) Making the pledge to care for our own needs with integrity, keeping our values in mind and in a considerate manner can only lead to our own contentment. From there the ripple effect will benefit those around us too. (Insert example of your choosing; placing your oxygen mask on first before helping those in need of assistance , filling your own cup so it overflows to others, etc). A line from one of my favorite poems reads: “can you disappoint another to be true to yourself” (The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer). Good question!
Step four… building the skill set to keep you safe from the afore mentioned risks.
Boundaries - If you’ve done any work with me you will know how vital I find boundaries to be. Even though they can be tough to set, enforce, and fortify consider these the moat surrounding your castle, protecting it from attack. Boundaries can feel hard to set and even harder to maintain, especially when they are tested by those who feel your boundaries shouldn’t apply to them. Even more so if you experience guilt over having them, as if you are not allowed. However, if we are to move forward into our best life we must remain committed and keep those who would jeopardize it out of reach. This is being true to yourself first and foremost.
Discernment - The next tool to put into your box will be discernment. How many times have you found yourself explaining and defending what you are doing to someone who has no business asking? So many have this default of disclosing all information to anyone who asks about or challenges goals or plans! Then, there are those who are important in our lives and yet can’t find their way to support us in our crazy endeavors. It makes them way too uncomfortable for one reason or another so they attempt to throw skid chains on to slow your momentum into the unfamiliar. Protecting yourself form this onslaught can be exhausting and even steer your off course a bit.
This is where discernment comes in. We have to choose wisely who we reveal our ideas to. Not everyone will be able to understand the new direction you are choosing and be a positive support. The best practice will be to identify the ones who truly have your back and trust only them with the details. These are the people who will be your strength when your resolve falters. With these people your boundaries are rarely ever pushed. Even when these individuals don’t understand why you are doing what you are doing they will realize that it’s not so important for them to understand. The most important thing for them will be seeing you at your happiest, most fulfilled state of being.
When you install boundaries and begin using discernment you may find that many people now must be kept at a long arms reach or even left behind altogether for the sake of your goals being met. That can leave one feeling lonely and sad. The good news though is that there will be others who are realizing their own dreams who are waiting to befriend you.
You may, by now, realize that pioneering and evolution are fraught with difficulty and pain but what you gain in the long run is worth all of the suffering. To stay small and in a place that no longer serves you does no one any good.
Kait’s favorite quote is below. It’s one she often reminds me of. Enjoy…
“and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anaïs Nin