Who Can You TRUST?!?
What if I said EVERYONE??? All you have to do is observe and trust what you see. People will teach you what they bring to your relationship, and how they are able to meet you. You just have to be willing to believe them!
Like Dante’s Inferno where he crafts 9 circles of hell, along with how a soul might find it’s way into each, you might consider establishing circles of friendship and criteria for what one might do to earn their place in any of the rings. For example, to earn a spot in the closest ring is to have earned the right to bear witness to the most intimate aspects you are willing to share. What traits would that friend need to demonstrate consistently to obtain such an honor? Once you’ve established your personal criteria for these rings of friendship all you have to do is sit back and let people show you where they belong.
Now this doesn’t mean we sit back in judgement, or have no forgiveness when our close friends disappoint us. This is to be expected. We are, after all, human. However, this is where the ‘Benefit of the Doubt Bank Account’ (BODBA) comes into play. To establish a positive balance in the BODBA one needs only to be honest, supportive, integral, reliable, and all other things found in a good friend a majority of the time. Then, when they falter (and they will), we might feel disappointed however we have so much history with this person that reminds us who they truly are and why we hold them dear. When these lovelies stumble it’s actually a great time to ask what’s going on for them since they are clearly not at their best and take our turn at being that great friend.
“To err is human, to forgive is divine”. Yet, when one err’s quite often, making no course changes to avoid such in future interactions, and they have little to no balance in their BODBA then you are learning whether or not they will rob you of your joy in the long run. With this information we can place them in an outer ring of friendship, distanced so as to set ourselves a nice, safe buffer from how they show up and the disappointments they frequently bring with them, or even to choose to close down the friendship altogether. That latter part can be hard and painful and sometimes necessary in order to both hold a person accountable while also setting boundaries for the relationships we are to invite into our lives.
As we’ve all seen proof of anyone can begin a relationship with the best of intentions followed by reinforcing actions. Then, as time goes by, this initial behavior falls by the wayside and a more authentic personality emerges. (The Honeymoon stage occurs in all relationships!) Now, this doesn’t mean that we should set high expectations for a perfect relationship however we can take in the information provided and place these people in their appropriate circle based on how they are most able to show up. To do such is actually doing a favor to the both of you.
When accepting a person at face value, and adjusting expectations for a friendship with that person, you’ve taken the pressure off of said friend while also setting yourself up for success. Understanding that everyone is, in fact, doing their best at any given time (even if you see room for improvement) allows you to accept what is instead of attempting to mold a resistant someone into what you think could be. It can prove extremely difficult not to fantasize about what could be, or even what you might think you want from others yet this act is the very thing that brings strife in relationships.
The goal here is to learn how to truly honor and appreciate a person exactly where they are on their journey; no judgement, no criticism. In doing so we bring more peace and harmony to all of our relationships. This is within your power!
And, remember…
If you are struggling with sorting out your relationships and letting go of those that do not serve you in a healthy or positive way, we are here to help!