Walking the Truth of YOU
First we must discover what that truth is. Sometimes it begins with knowing what it is not.
Recently I was in conversation with a new friend who explained to me his modus operandi when it comes to dealing with difficult situations and conflict. He said that he goes in with a calm, cool manner, open to and believing in the possibility of a peaceful resolution. He continues sharing how if the other person ‘bows up and becomes belligerent’ that he then meets them right where they are by getting riled up himself. Woah! I was more than a little taken aback by this confession. Inquiring further it seemed that this persons way of thinking is that once his ‘adversary’ got angry or defensive he or she no longer deserved the respect he was initially prepared to give them. In this approach my friend was gearing up to blame another for his own actions, or reactions. Showing one respect comes from being a truly respectful person, not from whether or not you think a person deserves respect, yeah?
I imagine most of you immediately saw that something was off with this way of handling such a situation. And, I’ll wager a bet that we can all relate to this experience having once or twice reacted to conflict in a similar fashion. We are, after all, human and fallible. If you identify one of these scenarios in your own life can you remember back to how did it felt afterwards? Likely it didn’t feel very good. We can jump into justifying our behavior seven ways to Sunday yet at the end of it all it still won’t feel like something we are proud about. This feeling is what results when our behaviors directly oppose our deeper philosophical truth.
In this story it’s likely my friend doesn’t recognize his way of handling confrontations as being harmful to himself. Self awareness can only be cultivated by searching out your deeper philosophies facilitated by engaging in conversations with those you trust to objectively reflect for you what you cannot see.
Finding ones way forward after such conflict as described above, vowing to next time do better (walking closer to our truth), can kick us off in the right direction however how exactly does one do that??? Here’s a path you might consider…
In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements we are introduced to several amazing, peace invoking concepts that can help one keep from f*#king with their own joy. (Remember the T-shirt? “No one f#@ks with my JOY, not even me!” Exactly what Mr Ruiz is talking about but said with less of a sailor vernacular) Joy comes from walking a peaceful path even when the terrain seems out to trip you up (ex: an angry, belligerent adversary). These offerings by Mr. Ruiz gives us helpful waypoints along our path to do just that.
It was 1997 when Don Miguel Ruiz gifted the world with his book The Four Agreements based on Toltec wisdom. The subtitle says it all, “A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom”. As you first read the agreements they sound pretty simple and straight forward. The practice of these four promises you are to make with yourself, and to society as a whole, can however feel pretty complicated and daunting. Although when applied you are sure to find a sense of freedom and grace for yourself and others. So, let’s dive on in to see what it’s all about.
Here are the Four Agreements laid out:
1) Be Impeccable With Your Word.
2) Don’t Take Anything Personally.
3) Don’t Make Assumptions.
4) Always Do Your Best.
Go ahead and read through them again. This time take a moment with each and see what meaning you intuitively put to them. As you read through this list which triggered the most resistance from you? Which do you feel you already put into practice? Which seems the most impossible?
Let’s take a closer look…
Be impeccable with your word
In basic terms being impeccable with your word it is to speak with integrity and to take responsibility for your words. Also, avoiding speaking in a manner which harms either yourself or others, even in jest. Share only your own personal story and no one else’s. And, speak only those promises you are willing and able to make good on. As with most things, it’s a work in progress. Keeping this as a goal will not only have you walking forward in confidence but it also strengthens how other people perceive you. I feel it safe to say most of us wish to be seen as integral. By remaining true to that which you speak, making good on your word, and speaking only kindnesses will put you well on your way.
All this is nice in theory but how does one make this happen? I found this article by wellness Australian blogger Renee Bess full of great advice. 6 Ways of Being Impeccable with your Word
Don’t take anything personally.
How the heck do you do that??? Okay, let’s agree that this is often easier said then done. Most that I’ve discussed these four steps with admit to this one being a most difficult agreement to make. However, when we can understand that how a person behaves is more about them than it is about us there is an opportunity for us to extend forgiveness and grace to that person which ultimately keeps us in peace rather than angst. By recognizing that there is a strong possibility that something disruptive is going on for this stranger, something which is most likely to blame, then we can see the perfectly imperfect humanity we all have in common.
You might find this article from Psychology Today helpful as you cultivate an ability to not take things personally: 6 Ways to Not Take Things Personally
Don’t make assumptions.
Again, here the struggle is real! Someone disappoints us in one way or another and our mind is off to the races. We immediately begin creating this elaborate story where we are the victim and they are the perpetrators who intentionally did this or that to us. Immediately we are bombarded by thoughts such as: “how rude of them to do xyz to me”, “wow, they purposely left me out of abc”, etc. Once this occurs we have fully jumped into making an assumption head first. We’ve all been there and it can really wreak havoc on ones joy. The fact of the matter is there may be a completely different, more truthful underlying story to the situation.
So, how you do keep yourself off the assumptions train? Courtney Harris or Courtney Harris Coaching offers up helpful advice in the following article: 6 Ways to Escape the Drama of Assumptions
Always do your best.
Now Mr. Ruiz is a realist and knows full well that our best oscillates, never being a static state where we achieve perfection and stay there. Our best changes day to day, moment to moment. If we can find acceptance and grace for ourselves, understanding our best can be a moving target, then we are more able to keep our peace, even laugh at ourselves, when we fall short of that ideal version of ourselves. Striving to always do our best does not mean striving for perfectionism! Working towards perfection is a trap more likely to cause self judgement, the opposite of what we are going for here.
In this Blinkist article by Jennifer Duffy she gives poignant direction on how to go about always doing your best. The Four Agreements: What is the Fourth Agreement
These 4 agreements are valuable guidelines to keep in mind every day. When we commit to making these steps our practice we commit to freeing ourselves up from avoidable drama leaving ourselves free to enjoy life on a daily basis, one relationship at a time.
Are you ready to stop f#@king with your own joy? We’ve got you. Sign up for a free meet and greet below
Cheryl
@WayFinderWisdom